


Now my Neck is Open Wide

by Darkmagyk, IaMcHrIsSi



Series: Straight for the Castle [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Padme Lives, Padme has some nasty nightmares from what Anakin did, there's good reasons she hates him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-21 11:53:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6050647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkmagyk/pseuds/Darkmagyk, https://archiveofourown.org/users/IaMcHrIsSi/pseuds/IaMcHrIsSi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hot, damp air around her, surrounding her, choking her. Something heavy in front of her... her belly. She's pregnant. The usually soft fabric of her clothes is somehow corse, now, trying to strangle her, to hurt her...</p><p>Smoke is everywhere, making it difficult to breathe, to think, to see anything of what's going on around her, but the worst thing...</p><p>His eyes, gold and wrong and cruel, staring into hers with an anger she can't even begin to comprehend, and she for the first time she is afraid of Him...</p><p>Or: Nightmares are part of Padme's life now</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now my Neck is Open Wide

**Author's Note:**

> This was written mostly because I really think that Padme would have horrific nightmares because of what happened to her on Mustafar. And of course she wouldn't want people to know, she has to present a front, so... this happened.

_Heat._

_Hot, damp air around her, surrounding her, choking her. Something heavy in front of her... her belly. She's pregnant. The usually soft fabric of her clothes is somehow corse, now, trying to strangle her, to hurt her..._

_Smoke is everywhere, making it difficult to breathe, to think, to see anything of what's going on around her, but the worst thing..._

_His eyes, gold and **wrong** and cruel, staring into hers with an anger she can't even begin to comprehend, and for the first time she is afraid of Him..._

“My Lady.”

_Something closes itself around her neck, lifting her up in the air, her feet leaving the ground, it's choking her, taking away her breath as He continues staring, a cruel smile on His face, something like... lust in His eyes..._

“My Lady?”

_He shakes her and starts talking, accusing her of betrayal, but she never did, she never could have, she loves him, more then anything in the world, doesn't she? And then, there's something wet between her legs, and she knows, she knows..._

“Padme!”

With a gasp, Padme wakes up. Frantically, she looks around the room, trying to find the threat, trying to find a way out. It takes her a moment to realize exactly where she is, that she's safe _,_ that she's not _there_.

Her desk is in disarray, flimsis and datapads surrounding her, a glass lying near her hands. The water that was in it is pooling over her, wetting her clothes. Suddenly, she feels very cold. She must have fallen asleep over her work, like she does so often, and knocked over her things in the throes of her nightmare.

Sabe hovers over her, clearly worried. Behind her stands a pale young girl, dark hair slightly messy, big dark eyes open and full of worry. She's trembling and afraid. _Jana,_ Padme remembers. A young Nabooian girl who'd joined the Rebellion not three months ago, full of idealism and hope and the belief that they can actually win this fight.

“Are you alright?” Sabe asks, carefully putting a warm hand on Padme's shoulder, slightly blocking Jana's line of sight. Padme takes a deep breath, and then another. It's only Sabe who truly sees her, but she's embarrassed, anyway.

“Yes. It was just a dream, nothing to worry about.” She can't help but run her hand over her stomach, can't help but shudder at the knowledge that it's empty. She tells her lies to the holonet out of necessity, tells everybody that she lost her baby that day five years ago, and she knows that she almost did, that it could have happened so easily.

Jana hands her a fresh glass of cool water, and Padme takes it with a pained smile. She gulps it down quickly, trying to calm herself down, to present the regal image this young girl wants to, needs to see from her leader, her Idol.

It's a memory, yes, but it's past, she tells herself. Anakin, _Vader,_ is a galaxy away. He can't hurt her, he can't hurt her friends (the few she still has, at least) and he sure as hell can't hurt her children, safe on Takodana, watched over by Owen and Beru and Maz, who won't join the Resistance but does like and protect the twins.

_He can't hurt them, He can't hurt them, He can't hurt them._ She repeats it in her head like a mantra.

But just because her head knows this, knows that they are safe, it doesn't mean that her heart isn't still fluttering with panic, or that her limbs aren't still shivering.

Jana seems to belief that Padme is alright again, and cleans the desk with a small, insecure smile that makes her look about 15. _She's so young,_ Padme can't help but think. _Was I ever this young?_ She knows that she must have been, knows that once, she was just as young and naive and happy as this girl, but somehow it's hard to believe when her past weights on every single action she takes, when she wakes up screaming more often than not. She hopes Jana will never have to feel this way, but she knows exactly how likely it is that a girl like Jana leaves this war unscathed.

Sabe gets Jana to leave the room quietly, and Padme tries to relax. The images of her nightmare, familiar by now, replayed in her dreams every other night, are still in her mind, burning and hurting and terrifying her.

“I keep dreaming about it.” Padme says quietly. She does not look at her friend, the woman who became her sister when they were both twelve and naive and thought they could change the galaxy for the better, and stayed when Sola did not. She doesn't think she would be able to stop herself from crying if she did. Not that she truly has to hide her tears from Sabe, but... still. She doesn't like anyone seeing her weep, not even the only person who truly knows her.

“It was a traumatic experience. It's normal to have nightmares about it.” Sabe tries to sooth her, using logic and rationality like always. She sits down next to her, close enough to touch her, but for the moment she doesn't. They've had this conversation dozens of times, have talked it to death and further, but here they are, again. It won't be the last time.

“Why can't I just... forget it? Why does it feel so very real, every single time, even though I know it's not?” Padme closes her eyes, willing her breathing to slow down, her heart to stop beating so fast. Padme feels a warm hand on her arm, and she focuses on it, tries to pull herself away from the nightmare, from the memories that will haunt her life forever if her luck continues to be this poor. Then she opens her eyes.

Sabe just looks at her, dark brown eyes full of sorrow and anger and love, and then she hugs her. Padme sighs and lets herself fall into the familiar embrace, thankful to have her sister here by her side, even after all this time and all the mistakes she made.

After a few moments, she pulls back, takes a deep breath and resolutely wipes away her tears. She has work to do.

A look on the chrono informs her that there is no sense in going back to sleep, and so she stands up, cleans up her desk with Sabe and considers the day that's to come.

Sabe helps her out of last nights wet clothes, and after a short sonic shower Padme gets ready for the day. It's the Unification Day, a holiday of the Republic to celebrate it's founding. The Empire of course doesn't celebrate it, doesn't really want to remind the people that once they were ruled by a democratic government, but the Alliance does, to show that they are the true successors of the Republic. Continuity is one of the things people value, as Padme has learned. Show them that the Empire is something new that will threaten their way of life, and many apolitical people suddenly become much more likely to consider the Alliance.

It used to mean a lot to Padme, to celebrate this day. As she applies her make up with the help of Sabe, she can't help but wonder about it. Once upon a time, she'd genuinely celebrated this day, had looked forward to it, had believed in it's significance. Now it's all technicalities. The prerecorded message will be broadcasted to the galaxy today, and Padme will talk to a potential ally. It's all symbolic, and it will all seem meaningful, but it's not, not really.

It's just as meaningless as the way Obi-Wan and Satine smile at each other in the recording when in reality they haven't managed to talk to each other without fighting in months, just as meaningless as the fact that Padme's newest ship is named the Mace Windu when she never liked the man, just as meaningless as Bail Organa's newest display of loyalty to the Empire.

Sometimes, she wonders when her life became this mess of pretending and lying and acting as if everything is alright. What scares her most is that she is not sure of the answer.

She used to think she was fighting the good fight, ruling Naboo and sitting in the senate, but what is politics if not lying and pretending? Was she not always best at lying to herself, at pretending that everything was fine when it so clearly wasn't? Doesn't she have the nightmares to prove her poor judgment?

Padme shakes her head. There is no use in pondering the past right now. She has work to do, a rebellion to run, and a potential to talk into joining. Enough work for a day, really.

She takes a moment to close her eyes, to remember her twins, safe and beautiful and clever and perfect, to remind herself that this is what she's fighting for, that even if she doesn't believe in anything anymore, they deserve a better life, and puts on her best “natural” smile.

“Mr. S'gash is here, my Lady.” Jana says from behind her, dressed like a regular Nabooian handmaiden, and Padme smiles at her before starting the day.

**Author's Note:**

> Check us out on tumblr [lukeleiahan](http://lukeleiahan.tumblr.com/) [darkmagyk](http://darkmagyk.tumblr.com/).  
> We don't normally respond to comments, so if you have a question about this or one of our other AUs, tumblr is the best place to reach me (darkmagyk) or Chris (lukeleiahan).


End file.
